Welcome to Crowned Not Clowned!

The blog to help you get through being cheated on and move on

If you just need pragmatic advice, see “Advice”
If you are feeling blind rage, see the “Ground Zero” posts
If you have processed it, but don’t really know where to go from here, see the “Guides for the future”
If you are calm and in the process of moving on, but tired of the whole situation, see “Warm Cup of Tea”

All posts

The incentives in keeping couples together

There’s a certain breed of relationship “expert” who insists you should stand by your marriage, come rain, shine, or a partner who’s already packed their bags and run off with the neighbour. Some even say you should keep believing you’re married after the divorce papers have landed on your doormat. There are those that describe…
How to strengthen a plate: Break it!!

Obviously I’m being facetious. Smash a plate and it usually has to go into the bin. The cracks that exist may end up cutting the user while eating, no matter how much we try to sand over the cracks. It still befuddles me how some can argue that cheating improves a relationship. Some say that…
Rebuilding Trust

Trust, once broken, feels almost impossible to glue back together. If you’re reading this, you’re probably carrying a heavy heart. Maybe, despite the hurt, you realise you still love the cheater, and reconciliation is on your mind. I’m usually quick to encourage people to dump cheaters, but I think it’s important to talk honestly about…
The Unfair Burden: Handling logistics after betrayal

Your heart shatters like glass against concrete when you discover the betrayal. But what follows cuts deeper into the initial wound: the mountain of paperwork, the endless phone calls, and the administrative nightmare left entirely on your shoulders while the cheater vanishes into thin air. The betrayed partner doesn’t just lose their relationship, they inherit…
The addiction of revenge and the neurological reason why we have to let go

Revenge is a dish best served cold, but sometimes, not the best dish to actually indulge. Studies have shown that revenge can activate the same parts of the brain as addictive narcotics. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of wishing the worst on both the cheater as well as the affair partner. I…
Probabilities, Possibilities and Platitudes

Original article This is such a common trope. It usually follows the following talking points, though not necessarily in this order: Let’s unpack these: Both contributed to the cheating This is a terrible notion that beggars belief. It appeals to the convenient heuristic that any relationship dynamic comes from both parties. Funnily enough, those who…
Should I confront my cheater?

Discovering that someone you love has been unfaithful is one of the most painful experiences you can face. The shock, confusion, and heartbreak can leave you feeling lost and unsure of what to do next. If you’re reading this, you may be grappling with the decision of whether-or how-to confront your partner about their cheating.…
You’re not alone – many are victims of cheating

It can feel incredibly lonely when you realise someone you once loved has betrayed your trust. Please remember, it’s not your fault for believing in the wrong person. Anyone can be cheated on, and you’re certainly not alone in this. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there who will lie and deceive to get…
Just got cheated on – some advice

So you’ve just found out you’ve been cheated on. It’s a horrible place to be, and the next days will be tough. Here’s what you need to know to get through the immediate aftermath I’m the type who likes to believe I can just flip a mental switch and move on (classic economist, always trying…
It’s going to hurt to leave even those that hurt you

Getting over a relationship, especially after being cheated on, is rarely a neat or painless affair. Breakup grief is so common it almost feels trite to mention, but the pain of infidelity is another beast entirely—and often underestimated, even by those experiencing it. If you’re expecting a quick fix or a tidy emotional resolution, you’re…
Cheating Isn’t Human. It’s Just Weak.

You know how you get to use a get-out-of-jail card in a game of Monopoly? Many cheaters seem to think this option exists when confronting their sin against you. It’s this tired old fallacy: “I made a mistake. I’m only human.” As if cheating is some inevitable by-product of being alive. As if we’re all…
Dealing with infidelity insomnia

Ugh, this was bad. There were nights when I would suddenly wake after just five hours of sleep, heart racing, eyes wide open, completely alert. Not because of a nightmare, but because my brain had queued up another replay. A mental movie. The same scene on loop. The moment I found out. The look on…
The Pervasive Nature of Infidelity

Ever heard someone claim, “What happens at home stays at home” or insist, “He’d never cheat on me, I’m special!”? Let’s cut through the wishful thinking. Recent research reveals a hard truth: infidelity isn’t just a private slip-up, it’s a flashing neon sign pointing to deeper character flaws that seep into every corner of life,…
Only the Cheater is Accountable for Cheating

“Walking away is the only choice anyone ever has.” — Naomi Nagata, The Expanse If you’re reading this, you might be in one of the most painful situations a person can experience. Let me be crystal clear about something right away: what happened to you was not your fault. The decision to cheat lies solely…
Sell recommendation: Theranos, Frank, Enron, and Cheaters

I’m a bit of a nerd when it comes to business news. When I was grappling with the fallout of being cheated on, I realised how cheating could be compared to financial frauds, and the parallels we can draw between the two. Being cheated on is a very emotional affair, so thinking about this in…
Friend cheated on their significant other

When your friend cheats, staying neutral might feel like the easiest option. It avoids confrontation, preserves the status quo, and spares you the discomfort of getting involved. But ethical responsibility demands more than passive silence. But what feels like the middle ground often isn’t as neutral as we’d like to believe. Sometimes, the ethical choice…
Reconciliation: the Modern-Day Breadfruit Hunt

Or, why some things aren’t worth acquiring — even if they endure In December 1787, Lieutenant William Bligh set sail on HMS Bounty with a single, noble aim: to transport breadfruit from Tahiti to the Caribbean. The plan, backed by the respected botanist Sir Joseph Banks, was to provide enslaved people with this so-called miracle…
Taking care of your health

Not only does being cheated on hurt emotionally, but it can also have real, tangible effects on your health. It’s completely unfair, but knowing what to watch for means you can take back some control. By highlighting these risks, you can take preventive action and protect yourself as best as possible. There are three areas…
Chumpterarian Romantics

Joseph Schumpeter showed that economic development undergoes waves of creative destruction. This theory posits that economic progress occurs through a continuous process where entrepreneurs introduce innovations that revolutionise economic structures from within, simultaneously destroying old industries while creating new ones. As an economics nerd, I see being cheated on not as a dead end, but…
The Contortions You May Face From a Cheater

“Oh, but I didn’t want to hurt you!”Ah, the classic. As if intention magically erases impact. If they truly didn’t want to hurt you, they’d have kept their trousers zipped and their promises intact. Cheating isn’t an accident; it’s a deliberate choice made at the expense of someone else’s trust and emotional well-being. You can’t…
A message to affair partners, from the cheated on

It’s pathetic that you would desire our table scraps. Yet, like any civilised person, either ask for the scraps or wait for us to leave the table. By sneakily taking it off our plates, it’s pretty disrespectful, even if you have shown us that we never really liked what you took anyway. If we, the…
Regretting the Sunk Cost

Six years. A shared future. A life built together. And then I found out about the cheating. When I told a friend I’d walked away from it all, including losing my coveted public housing subsidies, she was taken aback momentarily. “But given the sunk cost, couldn’t you have tried to find a way to forget…
There are no two sides to a story of infidelity

There are two sides to every story… We have all heard this phrase, often trotted out to excuse bad behaviour or muddy the waters when someone has done wrong. But when it comes to infidelity, the idea of “two sides” rarely holds up. Relationship Problems: Talk or walk away Cheating is a betrayal of trust…
On Stoicism after being cheated on

If you are reading this because you have been betrayed, be kind to yourself – it’s a traumatic thing that has happened to you. It’s okay to scream, and to cry. You’ve been betrayed and it probably feels lie the wind has been knocked out of your lungs. But after the storm passes, when the…
Cheating is the most scarlet of all flags

Dating a cheater, whether they cheated on you or someone else, is a bit like buying a used car that’s already broken down once. Sure, it might run smoothly for a while, but you’ll always be listening for that suspicious rattle. Could it work out? Maybe, by some miracle. But the world is full of…
Why Cheating is Abuse

Before I was cheated on, I didn’t think too much about it. Seeing politicians get embroiled in cheating scandals was a form of entertainment. It seemed like just another piece of gossip, a fleeting distraction from the more serious aspects of life. As such, I don’t blame those who have been lucky enough to have…
On Forgiveness around infidelity

Forgiveness is a feel-good, kumbaya term—like saving kittens or curing cancer. It represents burying the hatchet to get over a wrong. Because of this, it’s a very easy concept for third parties and society at large to latch onto and promote. Some folks may exhort you to turn the other cheek regardless of how you…
They Aren’t Jekyll and Hyde: Who They Really Are Underneath

When you first learn you’ve been cheated on, it’s like someone’s pulled the rug out from under your reality. One moment, you’re standing on solid ground; the next, you’re free-falling through questions you never thought you’d have to ask. When it first happened to me, my mind instinctively tried to compartmentalise. I wanted to believe…