Getting over a relationship, especially after being cheated on, is rarely a neat or painless affair. Breakup grief is so common it almost feels trite to mention, but the pain of infidelity is another beast entirely—and often underestimated, even by those experiencing it. If you’re expecting a quick fix or a tidy emotional resolution, you’re in for a surprise—think more marathon than sprint, with a few potholes thrown in for good measure.
Emotional
For me, I was more “fortunate” because I realised that my ex could have been cheating on me all the time, because of how well she masked it during the time I knew she definitely cheated. As such, my feelings for her evaporated like hot milk in a pan. It was also physical cheating, which is far less ambiguous than emotional cheating, so I had very little doubt that she had actively betrayed me.
I hope that your emotional journey will be as peaceful as mine. But for many, the emotional fallout isn’t just a bump in the road, it’s a full-blown car crash. Any breakup will be difficult to get through. You go from being secure in love, and happy experiences together to losing these in the span of a short while. It’s like the death of a loved one, where you need time to mourn the loss of someone special in your life. Except in this case, the loved one is still walking around in the living realm.
Being cheated on is a whole new monster compared to a “normal” breakup though. It’s also the betrayal from someone that you loved that compounds the pain. Not only do you mourn the person, but it also feels wrong to mourn someone who has clearly displayed their lack of care for you. They are not only emotionally and physically far, but their last act was to hurt you deliberately and cruelly. There’s a special kind of pain in missing someone who betrayed you.
You may find yourself questioning your own worth, regardless of how rational the decision to dump a cheater is. The heart doesn’t always keep pace with the mind. Even when you know you deserve better, the longing for what was familiar can be overwhelming.
Besides, you may be the one who initiated the breakup formally, even if they broke up with you implicitly by cheating. You’ll have days where you wonder if you’ve made a terrible mistake, or if you should reconcile. It’s not uncommon for people to think that they can’t live without the other person, or that their love for the cheater transcends the betrayal. That is why, despite the multitude of stories of how compulsive cheaters are, victims of infidelity continue to relent and seek out reconciliation against their best interests.
It’s not easy, but you should grit your teeth and resist the urge to compromise emotionally. It is a common theme in this blog about why reconciliation is often ill-advised, especially when unmarried and without children. Reconciliation might seem easier in the short term, but unless there are extraordinary circumstances, it’s usually a shortcut to more pain. You want to make it a habit to constantly fallback to logical reasoning – for that will serve you best when strong emotions cloud your judgement.
A helpful way I found was to mourn the version of the person I thought I knew. I separated the memory of the partner I loved from the reality of the scum who betrayed me. This distinction helped me grieve what I’d lost, while also giving me the resolve to move forward.
It’s not easy, but often it’s the bitter pill that will help you heal.
Financial
Finances are another tricky thing. If you shared finances, property, or other financial arrangements, brace yourself. If things get complicated or contentious, don’t hesitate to seek professional advice. The sooner you disentangle your finances, the sooner you can be assured that you are protected against further betrayal and then start rebuilding your own financial security.
If you were planning, or already own, a home together, things can get messy fast. Selling a shared property can mean taking a financial hit, especially if you’re forced into a fire-sale just to get things over with. The pain is multiplied if you’re dealing with public housing, which is notoriously illiquid. In Singapore, for example, you might even lose your eligibility for public housing altogether, which is a bit like being dumped twice—once by your partner, and once by the Housing Board.
When it comes to shared finances, act fast and methodically. The aim is to prevent the cheater from encroaching on your financial resources. A quick to-do:
- Make a list of all joint accounts, credit cards, and debts.
- Open your own accounts and redirect any direct deposits or payments.
- Consider withdrawing money from joint accounts and closing them. Allowing someone untrustworthy legal access to your money might not be wise.
- Cancel joint credit cards and update shared passwords.
Money has a way of keeping people tied together long after love has left the conversation. The mountain of logistics can make it feel impossible to untangle your life from someone else’s but it’s a necessary step towards reclaiming your independence. Unfortunately, unlike the emotional aspect where you should take time to recover, I would advise sorting through the finances as soon as you can, especially when there are shared pools of resources.
Social
A sad reality is that people who haven’t been cheated on rarely grasp how deep the wound goes nor how twisted the betrayal is. There will even be mutuals who get into a right bend trying to defend the character of the cheater. To them, they may equate this to be a breakup, despite the vastly enhanced pain that cheating brings.
The social fallout can be just as painful as the emotional or financial. Friends may pick sides, or worse, try to stay neutral, leaving you feeling isolated. Some may even question your decision to leave, suggesting that “everyone makes mistakes” or that you should try to forgive and forget. Always remember: your experience is valid, even if others don’t fully understand it.
You have to accept that while most will sympathise, few will do so in a way that feels sufficient. It’s a lonely road, but one that many have walked before you. Consciously note who listen without judgement and seek their support. Over time, you’ll find out who your true friends are, and you may even discover a newfound strength in your own company. In time, you’ll come to value the support that truly matters, and you might even find a quiet pride in how you handled yourself when things got tough.
The most effective medicine can be bitter
Leaving someone who has hurt you, even deeply, is rarely easy. The pain of separation can feel sharper than the pain of betrayal. But sometimes, the most effective medicine is the one that stings the most. It forces you to confront uncomfortable truths, to sit with your grief, and to slowly rebuild yourself from the ground up. Healing isn’t linear, and there will be days when you question your decision. But with each step forward, you reclaim a little more of yourself.
If you’re in this situation, know that your feelings are valid, no matter how complicated they seem. Give yourself permission to grieve, to be angry, and to hope for better days ahead. In time, the hurt will fade, and you’ll look back not with regret, but with gratitude for the strength you found in letting go. You’re doing the hard, logical work now so your future self can thank you later.
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