So you’ve just found out you’ve been cheated on. It’s a horrible place to be, and the next days will be tough. Here’s what you need to know to get through the immediate aftermath
I’m the type who likes to believe I can just flip a mental switch and move on (classic economist, always trying to be rational). Despite this, I was still livid after finding out.
Honestly, I probably scared my friends with how unhinged I acted right after finding out. I fully understand the heavy emotional burden, and that’s why I urge you to rein in your reactions, especially when your emotions cloud your judgement.
Don’t do anything illegal
You may be angry but you must calm down and clear your head.
A man who caught his wife cheating decided to slash the affair partner with a knife and was jailed. Now, he will have to endure not only the pain of being cheated on, but also reduced employment prospects and societal stigma. Sympathy aside, a crime is still a crime.
It’s very easy to fall into illegality. You don’t have to wield a weapon. Did you know that extortion is a crime? If you tell someone that you will reveal their infidelity unless they do something, you could be liable. Wanting to get through to your ex to make them see your pain by spamming them with calls? You could be charged with harassment.
The best revenge is massive success. The second best revenge is watching the cheaters inevitably blow up their next relationship while basking in your success. Going to jail precludes any of that. No matter how much you think someone deserves it, the moment you cross that line, you lose control of your own story. Meanwhile, your ex walks away with more ammo to justify what they did.
If you’re unsure if something is legal, don’t do it. If it involves threats, revenge, or hacking, it’s a no. There is no honour in self-destruction. Do not give the cheater the satisfaction of watching you implode.
Don’t make any rash decisions
Sit down. Breathe. Let yourself feel the shock. The anger. The sadness. All of it. But do not act yet. Sleep on it. Journal it out. Go for a long walk. Hit the gym. Whatever helps you release that energy without causing more damage.
If you are married but are considering divorce, the need to make strategic moves is amplified. If lawyers are involved, you don’t want to be unfairly portrayed as the crazy person who destroyed the marriage. There are further strategic implications to revealing the affair – could disclosure result in your spouse losing their job and hence reducing the amount of alimony owed to you?
If you feel the urge to send a message, type it in your notes and wait 24 hours. If you want to do something out of character, give yourself an hour or two to think it through.
You may feel like you have to do something to regain control. But by not moving, you hold the option of acting. Many potential actions have no deadline, so holding off gives you more flexibility with your options. Be cognisant that a little patience can payoff massively because you take the optimal, well-thought out path rather than one guided by impulse.
Be careful of scams
You’ll see dodgy YouTube comments and random people offering to “help” you catch cheaters. Beware! When you’re hurting, it’s easy to fall for quick fixes, but most of these are scams that’ll only make things worse.
There are also the “gurus” that promise to help you win your cheating ex back. If you feel tempted, I need to first disabuse you of the notion that your ex needs to be “won back”. Nah, your ex should find you forgiving them as the greatest gift, not the other way around.
Start gathering your thoughts
Once you’ve calmed down a bit, start writing things down:
- What do you know for sure?
- What do you suspect?
- What proof do you have?
- What are my next steps?
This will help you move from chaos to clarity. If you are married or share finances, you need to understand what the implications are. If you live together, you will eventually need to make decisions about space and logistics.
It also helps you prepare for any conversations ahead. Whether you choose to confront, walk away, or fight for reconciliation, going in with a clear head is your best asset.
Tell people, starting with those you trust
When you are ready, tell someone. Just one person to start – someone you trust to listen. The first step is to come out of your own head.
Betrayal thrives in silence. Telling someone breaks that spell and defends against any gaslighting by the cheater. That what you are feeling is valid.
Eventually, you may want to tell more people whom you know will help exonerate your name in the face of untrue narratives spread by a cheater. Unfortunately, most people will appear to care but they will often care less than you want them to. Remember, everyone has their own problems. Your pain feels huge to you (and rightly so), but don’t expect everyone to match your energy.
Personally, I started venting to many friends about this. Anyone who picked up contact with me got the full, unfiltered story. Once I calmed down however, what I did was to hold the story back and only disclose the cheating in a succinct, almost blithe, manner when asked. My rule became: Disclose willingly, but never proactively. If someone asked how my partner was doing, I’d just say, “She’s now dead to me”, before explaining briefly how she cheated.
Going no contact
No contact feels like purgatory initially, but it gets better fast, as compared to a slow burn to attempt to delay the inevitable. Breaking up can feel like jumping off a cliff instead of hanging on by your fingertips. Unfortunately, falling can often be the sole way to get out of your predicament.
It’s painful to go against your emotions. We’re hardwired to feel a certain way. As a social creature, we are evolved to run when everyone does and fear sets in. That is why it’s never right to describe succumbing to your emotions as weak. It’s who we are, though the awareness of the insidious nature of emotion helps us to counterbalance.
Stay strong
Try to react in as dignified a way as possible though; your image still matters. In fact, your image will continue to yield returns over time, as you are known as the stoic who doesn’t lash out of emotion blindly.
If you’ve already acted out, don’t beat yourself up. I nearly did too, until my friends talked me down. It’s okay! It might not be the ideal and rational thing to do, but hey, you’re rightfully emotional and it’s completely understandable.
Anyone who thinks you’re overreacting, especially in the very short-term when you’ve just been cheated on, is not someone you want to be associated with anyway. What matters is the long-term, because people won’t tend to be as forgiving to emotional outbursts after some time has passed.
This isn’t the end of your story. It’s just a brutal plot twist. But all plot twists eventually get resolved. It will take awhile: Some take weeks, some take months, others take years. And when you get past this knot, you’ll realise that you haven’t just survived, you’ve also reclaimed your dignity, your direction, and your future.
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