Forgiveness is a feel-good, kumbaya term—like saving kittens or curing cancer. It represents burying the hatchet to get over a wrong. Because of this, it’s a very easy concept for third parties and society at large to latch onto and promote. Some folks may exhort you to turn the other cheek regardless of how you have been wronged. Separation is framed as the last resort, and even the victim of cheating is expected to make an effort towards remedial action.
To provide context for new readers, I should re-state what has been a common theme throughout this blog: That those who have been cheated on often compromise excessively and fail to put themselves first as they should. The responsibility for moving past cheating lies almost entirely with the cheater. Regarding the topic of forgiving, I think ‘Forgiveness’ on its own can be a surprisingly nebulous concept, and we should unpack this concept in order to tackle it. To do so, forgiveness can be interpreted in three different modalities:
- Taking the cheater back
- Staying friends
- Cutting them out of your life
Forgiveness: Taking them back
There’s often debate around whether cheaters (or those who commit other moral transgressions) are capable of change. Some argue that people can learn from their mistakes and grow into better versions of themselves. However, my default stance is that this is a terribly difficult road to traverse, and the remote probability of success means the potential costs far outweigh the possible gains of staying with a cheater.
A cheater has already shown that these boundaries don’t hold the same weight for them as they do for others. Whilst they may seek redemption or claim they’ve changed, it’s not your responsibility to give them the benefit of the doubt at your own emotional risk. There is a reason why ‘Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater‘ is an admonitory saying—so many stories abound of folks taking back cheaters, only to be cheated on again in the future.
We wouldn’t expect someone to trust a person who once committed serious crimes like theft or violence without evidence of significant change over time. Why should infidelity be any different? Betrayal leaves scars, and it’s perfectly reasonable to protect yourself from further harm. Redemption is their journey and not your burden.
If you want to try, that is a courageous call and I wish you all the luck. But, please never feel pressure either intrinsically or extrinsically to do so. It is very much an uphill climb and should only be pursued after careful consideration.
Forgiveness: Staying friends
Instead of cutting them off, some seek to still be friends. I couldn’t do this—not least because I don’t keep cheaters and dishonest people as friends. I could not imagine staying on good terms with someone who could callously hurt someone else, let alone if that someone else was me.
Still, I think it might be for you if you can compartmentalise well—that this person is simply a friend and that they are worth keeping around. It might be worthwhile being on at least friendly terms in the case of joint custody of kids, or if there are other concerns that prevent a full cutting off.
I think the great danger lies in those that cannot bear the thought of cutting contact, and hence use friendship as a bridge to avoid that. It’s a bit like ripping half the plaster off and leaving the other half attached in your skin.
Forgiveness: Letting go of both the person and the anger
This form of forgiveness is probably the most healthy, and I would argue, absolutely vital. It is an approach that stems from stoicism and retaining the locus of control.
This approach is not about suppressing emotions or ignoring injustice but about choosing not to let betrayal become your defining story. Instead of remaining in bitterness, channel that energy into creating a life so fulfilling and abundant that their betrayal becomes merely a footnote in your story.
If the opportunity for justice or accountability arises, and it comes at little cost to you, then by all means, take it. But don’t let vengeance consume you. You win when you continue to thrive despite the perfidy, proving that their betrayal didn’t leave a permanent scar on you. As the saying goes, ‘The best revenge is massive success.’
Carrying anger or resentment can keep you connected to past pain. Moving forward does not mean forgetting what occurred or excusing their actions; it means prioritising your own happiness and wellbeing over the weight of their actions.
Your priority is you: Focus on moving on
Infidelity can leave deep wounds, and it may feel like a permanent blow, but it is often truly a transitory pain that fades with time. How you choose to forgive remains entirely personal; there is no universal right answer. What matters most is discovering a path allowing you to heal and thrive. Focus on yourself, your personal growth, and your future possibilities. Success in emotional wellbeing, personal development, and professional life represents the greatest triumph over betrayal. Your choice of the mode of forgiveness should prioritise you above all else.
Remember: moving on isn’t about letting them off the hook; it’s about freeing yourself from their shadow. They’ve already cost you time, don’t let the unworthy squander any more from you.
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