If you are reading this because you have been betrayed, be kind to yourself – it’s a traumatic thing that has happened to you.
It’s okay to scream, and to cry. You’ve been betrayed and it probably feels lie the wind has been knocked out of your lungs. But after the storm passes, when the dust settles, you are left with a choice: stay trapped in anger, or use this pain as fuel for growth.
Stoicism is a way out. Stoicism is an ancient philosophy that teaches us to focus on what we can control, and to let go of what we cannot. It is not about ignoring your feelings, but about finding a steady ground when the world feels unstable.
What You Cannot Control, You Must Accept
Stoicism doesn’t mean suppressing emotions. It means recognising that while you can’t control what someone else does, you can control how you respond. As Marcus Aurelius put it:
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.”
Your partner’s choices were theirs alone. Wasting energy on revenge, on replaying the betrayal over and over, only deepens your suffering. Instead, shift your focus inward: on your own mind, your own resilience. This might mean writing down your feelings, talking to a friend you trust, or just reminding yourself each morning that you deserve better. You are worthy, and the cheating only reflects poorly on the cheater. You can remove them from your life, and that is the only thing you can control.
Respond with Strength, Not Destruction
You might feel the urge to lash out, to get even. But Stoicism warns against becoming the very thing you despise:
“The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.”
That doesn’t mean forgiving blindly. It means not allowing someone else’s betrayal to turn you into someone you’re not. Hold your head high. Walk away, but do it with dignity. It’s going to be very counter-intuitive and painful, especially for folks like me who have a strong sense of getting even. That said, you don’t want them to leave a mark on your character.
A Lesson in Impermanence
Everything in life is fleeting—relationships, emotions, even pain. Marcus Aurelius constantly reminded himself of this:
“All things are ephemeral—both memory and the object of memory.”
This heartbreak will pass. The weight in your chest will lighten. And one day, you’ll look back and see this not just as suffering, but as a moment that shaped you into someone stronger. It’s hard to see now, when the pain is so visceral and in-your-face. However, many have been in your exact position and emerged stronger when the cheaters were weeded out from their lives. I have no doubt the same can happen for you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Remember, even as the top guy of Stoicism, Marcus Aurelius, reportedly forced his cheating wife to bathe in the blood of her affair partner – whether it really happened or not, we may never know. The greater lesson is that no human is invulnerable to emotions and act completely rational, even one as wise as Aurelius. Aim to be stoic to help yourself cope and move on, but don’t beat yourself up if you lapse into despair. It’s a very painful non-linear process and you should acknowledge that by giving yourself plenty of leeway.
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