“Walking away is the only choice anyone ever has.” โ Naomi Nagata, The Expanse
If you’re reading this, you might be in one of the most painful situations a person can experience. Let me be crystal clear about something right away: what happened to you was not your fault. The decision to cheat lies solely with the person who made that choice.
You do not get to choose what another person does. You never have and you never will. What you do have is complete self-determination and the power to leave a situation, even if it feels impossibly difficult. Your path forward might seem unclear right now, but I promise there is solid ground ahead.
The immediate shock: It’s not your fault
You did absolutely nothing to deserve this betrayal, yet the person you trusted has shattered that trust in the most painful way imaginable. This moment calls for something that might feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable at first: putting yourself first.
Many people caught in the aftermath of infidelity fall into the dangerous trap of blaming themselves. They dissect every conversation and every disagreement, searching for what they could have done differently. Stop that search. The answer is nothing.
Right now, your emotions might be swinging wildly between rage, devastation, numbness, and confusion. All of these feelings are completely valid. Feel them fully, but do not beat yourself up for feeling this way.
Healing: Prioritise yourself
Cutting off all contact is not about punishment or revenge. It is the fastest way to begin healing. Every time their name lights up your phone, every social media update, every message from a mutual friend about them reopens the wound.
If you have ever had a deep gash that needed a bandage, you know how hard it is to resist scratching at it. But we all understand that pulling off the bandage and scratching only slows down the healing process and prevents a proper scab from forming. The same principle applies here. Each time you reach out, or respond, or check up on them, it is like ripping off that bandage and digging your nails into the wound.
Here are some practical steps to help you move on:
- Delete their number, or at least remove it from your favourites
- Unfollow them on all social media platforms
- Ask close friends not to update you about their life
- Create new routines that do not involve the places you used to visit together
They are no longer a part of your life. Do not give them the privilege of engaging with someone who holds themselves to a higher standard. Your integrity and worth remain intact, even if theirs did not. Do they feel like they need to talk to you to attain closure? They shouldn’t have cheated then. You do not have to fall on your sword to assuage their discomfort anymore, nor should you light yourself on fire to warm someone who would sacrifice you for their own benefit.
Rebuilding and moving on
The hardest part of being cheated on is not always the betrayal itself. Learning how to trust again can be an arduous journey in itself. Not just others, but yourself. You might start questioning how you missed the signs, or whether you will ever be able to truly know someone again.
That doubt is natural, but it does not have to be permanent. Trust is like a muscle. It can be rebuilt after injury, and often becomes stronger in the process. Start small. Pay attention to the people who show up for you. Notice who keeps their word. Let yourself believe that decency still exists.
Most importantly, learn to trust yourself again. Your intuition did not fail you. You simply chose to believe in someone. That capacity for hope and trust is not a flaw. It is one of your greatest strengths.
Moving on is not a straight path. Some days will feel like huge steps backward. On those days, be extra gentle with yourself. Healing is not linear. It takes the time it needs.
“Realising you’ve got shit on your fingers is the first step toward washing your hands.” โ James Holden, The Expanse
Be heartened; there is nothing inherently wrong with you
Realising you have been betrayed is painful, but it is also the beginning of something better. It’s therefore critical that you realise the problem doesn’t lie with you. You merely put your faith in the wrong person, which is both a perfectly understandable mistake to make, as well as something you can learn to mitigate in future. You fully deserve all the love in the world, and all this anger and sadness that you feel was imposed on you unjustly.
Your cheater may have fundamental character flaws that drove them to hurt you. It doesn’t matter, because they are no longer your business. The only relevance that has to you is the reassurance that the whole fiasco is not due to anything inherent to you. The betrayal reflects nothing about your worth.
You can and will find a better life beyond this.
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