This is such a common trope. It usually follows the following talking points, though not necessarily in this order:
- It’s very extreme to set cheating as a red line because there are many kinds of cheaters on the spectrum of infidelity
- It is possible for a couple to get past cheating if they’re willing to put in the work, and it’s possible that the relationship becomes stronger
- Both parties contributed to the cheating
Let’s unpack these:
Both contributed to the cheating
This is a terrible notion that beggars belief. It appeals to the convenient heuristic that any relationship dynamic comes from both parties.
Funnily enough, those who espouse this view will be quick to clarify that they don’t mean that the cheated on is responsible for the cheating. Instead, they couch it as a lack of communication. That begs the question: Whose fault do they believe it is? The hesitance to absolve the cheater of responsibility points to the patent fact – the cheated on have no control over their partner’s infidelity.
I’m fully in support of the notion that in a break-up, both parties should examine how they could have improved. However, breaking up is upfront and honest. There are scarcely any scenarios where a person should cheat instead of breaking up (so scarce that I’ve yet to hear of any, happy to stand corrected on this absolutist statement if you care to bring this up in the comments).
It shocks me how far some people can take it. In this Daily Mail article, which I’m not sure if it’s meant to be clickbait, I find the following argument:
I usually don’t spend time addressing humbug, but I think in an emotional state, victims of infidelity might be swayed by such fallacious logic. If you’ve read this and thought it’s convincing, please read the rest of this section. If not, please just skip – it’s not my proudest work, feels like I’m taking apart the argument of a straw-toddler.
“The only person we can change is ourselves..” – this is a platitude. Or is it? We can also choose to change our partners for someone loyal. I find it disturbing that the immediate underlying assumption is that the marriage needs to be saved at all cost, even if the cheater has already destroyed it.
The main fallacy of this line of thinking is the conflation of breaking-up and cheating. These are not the same. A break-up can be considered to be something that is mutual; after all, a relationship is something that either party has the autonomy to break off, insofar as the other party is kept aware of their obligations or suspension thereof. Cheating, on the other hand, removes the autonomy from one partner, posing physical risks and creating emotional devastation. Therefore, I find cheating difficult to justify by adopting the reasons for breaking up. This invites the question: “Why not break-up respectfully, rather than cheat?” As such, it may be acceptable for one to bring up flaws that resulted in the failure of a relationship or marriage, but it is unacceptable to expand that to condone the act of cheating.
The article then wraps assumptions about the situation into seeming fact. The article posits that the cheated on has engaged in unhelpful behaviour and nagging. Suddenly, every woman who has been cheated on took the husband for granted, forgot to be a wife, nags etc. Without these innate assumptions, the argument falls apart. Furthermore, the implicit assumption suggests that infidelity is driven by the shortcomings of the wife, which is why the article feels comfortable making these assumptions. Notice how no flaws of the husband are brought up.
Cheating being black and white
Many things in life lie on the spectrum. I don’t deny that – a prolonged affair is different from a one night stand. Simultaneously, I believe that the tolerance for infidelity is so low, that only the very very mild end of the infidelity spectrum should even be given a second’s consideration for forgiveness.
First, to şet it on a spectrum already assumes that the cheater is honest about what they have done. The assumption easily falls apart however. Many cheaters downplay what has occurred, or conceal the extent of how they cheated. Unlike a crime, the police will not invest resources into helping a victim of infidelity dig into security footage or text messages. There is almost no way to be certain without expending massive resources at your own cost.
“You don’t try to be loyal. You just are, or your not” – Bobby Axelrod, Billions
Some will obfuscate the issue by claiming that an affair is always a complex issue with “layers”. Maybe the cheater had a difficult childhood, or there was some perceived slight. Heavens, his wife couldn’t juggle doing all the chores and neglected his back rub so he cheated! Or her husband who was working 70 hour weeks made her feel ignored so she cheated! Frankly, this feels like yet another platitude. Everybody has faced difficulties. That is zero excuse to then turn around and hurt someone. A rapist can have a terrible childhood. A thief could be a person who didn’t know better. I say these not to equate cheating with severe crimes, but to point out that many of these “mitigating factors” often are feeble excuses in disguise.
The “putting-in” of work
On a preliminary glance, it sounds at best like friendly advice, at worst an empty platitude. This notion is actually far more pertinacious.
This is another way to subtly blame the cheated on for the ruination of the relationship, this time after the cheating has occurred. A victim of infidelity who walks away is deemed to have given up on the relationship. Instead of pinning the accountability on the cheater, the romanticising of the couple that works hard together to overcome cheating implies that the cheated on is lacking.
The opening of possibilities is always a tricky one that plays on the common sensical approach of never being an absolutist. However, this falls apart when we consider that anything is possible. Just because it’s possible for me to become very rich by buying the lottery with my life savings, doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do.
It’s no sufficient to say something is possible, you need to consider the probabilities and hence expected value against the costs.
In the end, navigating the revelation of cheating is complicated enough without adding a side order of blame and platitudes. Let’s stop pretending that every relationship can or should be salvaged at any cost, and instead focus on respect, communication, and a bit of self-worth. If you’re facing infidelity, remember: you’re not obliged to play the martyr, nor to accept recycled clichés as wisdom.