Or, why some things aren’t worth acquiring — even if they endure
In December 1787, Lieutenant William Bligh set sail on HMS Bounty with a single, noble aim: to transport breadfruit from Tahiti to the Caribbean. The plan, backed by the respected botanist Sir Joseph Banks, was to provide enslaved people with this so-called miracle crop—cheap, abundant, and easy to grow.
The voyage, however, ended in disaster. Bligh’s crew mutinied. He and those who remained loyal were set adrift in a small boat, and the breadfruit was thrown overboard. It became one of the most notorious naval failures in history. Much like a partner’s betrayal, the mutiny shattered trust and left Bligh adrift, quite literally. Yet Bligh was not finished. In 1791, he tried again and succeeded in bringing breadfruit to the Caribbean.
Tragically, after all that effort, the enslaved people wanted nothing to do with it. They found the taste dull and the texture odd. For all its supposed benefits, it simply was not appealing. Eventually, breadfruit did become a staple, but not because it was enjoyed. It was tolerated. It filled empty stomachs and was preferable to starvation.
To me, this is much like reconciliation after betrayal, especially after infidelity. Reconciliation is often portrayed as a noble, redemptive journey where love prevails and trust is restored. In reality, it is more often a long, bitter passage with little real reward at the end.
Like Bligh’s first voyage, you pour your energy into saving something, only to find yourself cast aside. And even if you succeed on a second attempt, what remains? A version of your relationship that might survive, but is deeply changed. Reconciliation after infidelity often tastes about as appealing as cold, unsalted breadfruit—filling, perhaps, but hardly an enjoyment. Perhaps it is bearable, but only with effort- if you can learn to accept the blandness of what is left.
My comparison falters with one aspect, however: breadfruit eventually did feed people. It served a purpose. Yet I struggle to see how a relationship marked by betrayal can truly thrive. At best, it trudges along. At worst, it lingers as a symbol of lowered expectations-something you accept, not something you desire.
The gift of reconciliation
The offer to reconcile is, in all cases, a gift given by the cheated on to the cheater. Some mistakenly take it as the opposite way around. They beg for the chance to reconcile with the person who has wronged them.
Never forget, the offer to reconcile is up to the person who has been cheated on. It is borne out of generosity, to someone who has wronged you. It comes only from intense love and a kind heart, but some cheaters may take it as a free pass. If you give someone a reward after they have wronged you, the message to puerile minds is that wronging you gets rewarded. The cheater had their fun, and now continue to enjoy the relationship they had with their victim.
A “reconciling” cheater’s demands
It astounds me that some cheaters have the nerve to question those they actively supplicate to reconcile with.
- “Why can’t you get over it?”
- “How many times will you bring this up?”
Like every gift, this will cost you. It can be years of being unable to trust the person you lie next to in bed. It can be very expensive, so do question carefully whether you want to give it to someone who has wronged you.
Of course, there are reasons people choose reconciliation: children, finances, fear, habit. I do not judge those choices. I admire the strength required to make that journey, to swallow the raw breadfruit and pretend it is a delicacy.
But I know I could never do it.
Bligh was a determined explorer, but he was not naïve. When his original crew mutinied and he returned to England, he ensured the culprits were punished; several were hanged. It was harsh, but telling. When he sailed again, it was with a new crew-one that understood betrayal would not be tolerated.
There is a lesson in that. You can forgive, but not without consequence. If you welcome someone back without clear boundaries or any change in conditions, you teach them that betrayal carries no cost. Worse, you show them that it works.
If someone cheats, they have already revealed their true nature. They have auditioned for the role of saboteur and played it to perfection. Reconciliation is not always redemption. Sometimes, it is simply a slow surrender.Perhaps the wiser course is what Bligh chose: set sail again with a new crew and a firmer hand on the wheel. Perhaps the bravest journey is not to salvage what’s spoiled, but to chart a new course where you are the captain of your own fate. Otherwise, you may find that getting back what you loved after a long painful struggle might not be the prize you thought it was.
Perhaps the wiser course is what Bligh chose: set sail again with a new crew and a firmer hand on the wheel. Perhaps the bravest journey is not to salvage what’s spoiled, but to chart a new course where you are the captain of your own fate. Otherwise, you may find that getting back what you loved after a long painful struggle might not be the prize you thought it was.
Take care of yourself. You’re stronger than you know, and you will get through this.
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