Revenge is a dish best served cold, but sometimes, not the best dish to actually indulge. Studies have shown that revenge can activate the same parts of the brain as addictive narcotics.
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of wishing the worst on both the cheater as well as the affair partner. I used to spend an hour a day lying in bed thinking of all the terrible things I wished befell them. Because I’d been studying behavioural economics, I’m quite cognisant that how we react as a human being is often hardwired in us. As it turns out, the urging to seek revenge is also a neurological response.
Experiments using things like economic games and loud noise blasts show that the dorsal striatum and nucleus accumbens become active when people seek revenge. These are the same areas linked to craving, pleasure and habit formation. At the same time, the parts of the brain responsible for self-control, like the prefrontal cortex, become less active. The pain of betrayal actually triggers the same in the brain regions as physical pain, which leads to a drive to numb that pain by acting out.
The process of forgiveness involves the frontal cortex interrupting the fear response in the amygdala, resulting in relaxation of muscular tension and reduction of stress. This neurological shift helps break the cycle of revenge and allows for emotional healing.
As difficult as it may be to hear at this point, forgiving might actually be the most rational outcome, as it lowers the activity in the neural circuits responsible for pain. That doesn’t mean you stay with the cheater, or even tolerate their presence. Instead, you move past them, so that their lingering presence cannot hurt you any more. Moving forward is about rewiring your brain’s neural pathways to reduce the power of traumatic memories and create new, healthier connections.
Understanding the neuroscience behind revenge and forgiveness can help us make more conscious choices about how we respond to betrayal, recognising when our brains are pushing us toward revenge and choosing healthier alternatives for our long-term wellbeing. The cheaters were the ones who let their base instincts override their sense of humanity. Don’t let their actions trigger your own innate behaviours that will keep you trapped in misery.