Before I was cheated on, I didn’t think too much about it. Seeing politicians get embroiled in cheating scandals was a form of entertainment. It seemed like just another piece of gossip, a fleeting distraction from the more serious aspects of life. As such, I don’t blame those who have been lucky enough to have never faced such perfidy for not understanding the pain.
It was only when I became the one betrayed that my perspective changed. Suddenly, I understood how deeply infidelity wounds, how it upends your sense of reality, and why it is not just a personal failing but a profound form of emotional abuse.
The minute somebody has a deceptive, compartmentalised sexual life, and they’re in an intimate relationship or in a family system. That, in and of itself, is a form of abuse. – Dr Omar Minwalla
I want to shed light on what cheating really does to a person and explain why its effects are far more devastating than most realise.
Intimate Partner Violence
The World Health Organisation defines intimate partner violence as behaviour that causes physical, psychological, or sexual harm. Infidelity fits squarely within this framework: it’s a betrayal that causes psychological and sometimes physical harm, even if there are no bruises to show for it. The pain is invisible, but it’s no less real.
Mental health harms
The mental health fallout from cheating is often dismissed, but it can be as devastating as any physical injury. Many people experience symptoms like anxiety and depression. Some even develop symptoms similar to PTSD: Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and a constant sense of dread.
The emotional scars of being cheated on are not simply about the breakup; they are about the trauma of the deception and the violation of trust. Victims often find themselves replaying every conversation, every moment, trying to spot the lie. This obsessive rumination can last for years, leading to shame, self-doubt, and a gnawing sense of inadequacy. The emotional fallout is profound, and without support, it can become a long-term struggle.
The unique psychological impact of betrayal
While other crimes, such as theft, murder, or arson, also have victims, the perpetrator can be a stranger. It’s easier to rationalise that there is a malicious person out there, someone who simply does not care about the consequences of their actions. But cheating is different. The person who betrays you is often someone you’ve built a life with, someone you’ve loved, trusted, and shared your vulnerabilities with. The trust you extended is repaid with deceit, and that is where the profound hurt comes from.
What makes cheating even more damaging is the way it directly challenges your perception of reality. You believed that your relationship was based on mutual respect and love, and then, suddenly, it all comes crashing down. You can’t help but question everything – whether the affection, the care, and the promises were real, or whether they were just part of a performance to conceal the betrayal. This type of trauma is not just about the relationship ending; it’s about the collapse of your trust in people and in yourself.
Infidelity inherently requires deception, which often manifests as gaslighting-a form of psychological abuse where perpetrators manipulate victims into doubting their reality. For example, a partner might deny texting an affair partner despite evidence, insisting the victim is “paranoid” or “imagining things”. This gaslighting conceals the affair, but also destabilises the victim’s confidence in their perceptions.
Losing trust in your memories and experiences
The emotional devastation of infidelity runs deeper than the hurt of a breakup. It attacks the very core of your shared memories. Every joyful moment, every intimate conversation, every “I love you” now feels tainted. You can’t help but wonder: Was it real? Or was it all just a carefully constructed lie?
If your ex-partner had the ability to cheat and cover it up, how can you trust anything they ever said or did? When you thought you were building a life together, were they already planning their next betrayal? The question becomes not just about their actions, but about your own ability to discern truth from deception. In a sense, cheating shatters your ability to look back at your relationship and see it for what it truly was, because now, every moment is clouded with suspicion. It’s not just the act of cheating itself; it’s the persistent, lingering doubt about everything you thought was solid.
Your former partner might insist that their infidelity was a recent event, but how could you possibly trust their words? When someone is willing to lie about something as significant as cheating, it’s hard to believe anything they say. Every explanation feels like another attempt at manipulating the truth. This constant second-guessing of your own perceptions is a mental and emotional toll that doesn’t simply go away after the breakup. Does two plus two equal four or five? Did the planned future together ever have a fart’s hope in existing?
Violation of consent and bodily autonomy
Infidelity also brings with it a sense of violation that goes far beyond emotional betrayal. When you’re in a committed relationship, there is an unspoken agreement: the intimacy you share is exclusive, sacred, and based on mutual trust. To discover that your partner has broken that trust by engaging in sexual activity with someone else is not just emotionally painful. It is a violation of your body and your consent.
What was once a mutually enjoyable experience now feels as if it has been corrupted. Every time you reflect on the physical intimacy you once shared, it feels less like a shared connection and more like something that was manipulated or faked. In some ways, it feels as though your body was used without your knowledge or consent. What you thought was genuine affection and passion now feels like a performance, one that your partner was playing for the benefit of someone else. This feeling of violation can linger long after the relationship ends, and it may take significant time and self-reflection to even begin to process the emotional and psychological wounds left behind.
Risk of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
One of the most dangerous consequences of infidelity is the potential for exposure to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). When you enter into a monogamous relationship, there is often an assumption of sexual exclusivity. This assumption, unfortunately, is shattered when infidelity comes to light. The risk of contracting an STD is no longer a hypothetical concern; it becomes a real threat, and that risk is entirely the result of your partner’s actions.
Cheating opens the door to the possibility of diseases being passed on to you without your knowledge or consent. While there are laws requiring the disclosure of HIV status prior to sexual activity, many other STDs do not carry such legal obligations. The emotional and physical toll of potentially contracting a disease is compounded by the betrayal itself. You now not only have to process the emotional trauma of the infidelity, but also face the physical consequences of your partner’s reckless behaviour.
Cheating is not a dishonest misstep, but genuine abuse
Ask yourself: would you chalk all this to “just a mistake”? Infidelity is far more than a lapse in judgment. It’s a betrayal that reverberates through every aspect of a person’s life. The pain goes beyond heartbreak; it shakes your sense of trust, distorts your memories, violates your consent, and can even endanger your physical health. The emotional and psychological fallout can linger for years, affecting not just your future relationships but your very sense of self-worth and security.
The emotional and psychological fallout can linger for years, affecting not just your future relationships but your very sense of self-worth and security. If you are healing from this kind of betrayal, know that your pain is valid and that recovery is possible, even if the road is long.
And for those who haven’t experienced it, I hope this sheds light on why cheating is never just gossip or entertainment-it is a deeply damaging act that deserves empathy, understanding, and serious reflection. Healing begins with acknowledging the true weight of the wound, and with time, support, and self-compassion, it is possible to rebuild trust in yourself and others.
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